| Spinnin: Dashboard Confessionals- "Screaming Infedelities" Life is hard for me. I'm down and bout to be counted out. It's tough and I don't know how to get through it. For the first time in my life I can truly say, I'm Sad and very close to just being done with it. First, I'm still fucking up in school. I know I told everyone and their mama that I was gonna change, do my best, put in work, make my parents proud. I dont know why I'm still doing the same thing over and over, never changing after 3 plus years. It's so hard for me and I don't know why. I was mad excited to get back to school after new years vacation but that feeling just went away. I get so bored in class that it just makes me want to go out and have fun and be with all my fellow senior friends outside when I'm stuck with all these sophmores and juniors. And in the end, I feel so horrible about it when I have to unplug the phone or wait for the mail so I can intercept the school calling or them informing my parents I wasnt in school. I know I let my parents and all the people around me down who expected me to do well. I put the blame on me but I just cant accept the fact that it was my own doing that this happened and no one else. I know I tell people, I have "options" if this doesnt work out but deep down I know it's embarrasing to me and my family that I was a fuck up in school and that I took the hardest most difficult way to get there. I just don't wanna be this 24 year old bum living on the street begging for change or a place to stay. That's one of my worst fears. I have a goal in life that I want to accomplish , that i know I can reach and can succeed in but I just ask myself, "Do I Have What It Takes To Even Get There?".... Second, my grandma just died so recently, so unexpectedly. Though I try to put on a happy face, deep down it's hurting me. She was one of my inspirations in life. To see a 79 year old grandmother of so many children and grandchildren, play baseball with me on the side of the house when she saw that I was bored and wanted me to have fun, do that for me and not complain or show any pain when she started coughing right after, showed me she was one of the strongest people in the world. She raised me since I was 4-5 years old until she left for the Philippines back in 2003. I feel so wrong, when I think back to when I was 6-7 years old and I caused so much chaos and trouble to my grandma but she would never hit me or do anything like that. She was the one who raised me since I was a child when my parents were away at work, she was the one who I would share my joy with when the Knicks won in the playoffs, she was the one who I could argue with in baseball, since I loved the Mets and Mike Piazza, Benny Agbayani, Rey Ordonez and she loved the Yankees and Bernie Williams, Derek Jeter and her favorite, because she thought he was so handsome, Jorge Posada. I'ma miss my second mom, my inspiration and one of my role models... I'ma Miss My Grandma. Third, my heart just being so confused and so saddened by this one girl. It's hurt me and gave me tons of happiness at the same time. I just don't know how to explain it. I've never felt this way about someone since 04-05. I let go of any relationships for one year and always just messed around or flirted with other chicks cuz I know I'll be comparing the two and I know the one I was messing with just came up short. It's hard for me man, when you constantly think over and over in your mind about what your gonna say, what your gonna do, how are you gonna act, how I feel when shes around. When she's there, I'm not this lost, confused, sad 17 year old kid but a happy, full, always smiling person. It's so hard for us guys out there, specially me to just come out with it and say how you feel about her, how much she makes you happy, how you get butterflies and how ecstatic you are whenever she's around. It's cuz we're all afraid if shes gonna reject you and tell you things you never want to hear, how much she dislikes you and how stupid and dumb of us to think that something could actually happen. And that the best case scenario, in your heart of hearts, is that she feels the same way as you do. I guess I'm on the same boat cuz I'm in the same situation and I don't know how she feels or wat she still thinks of me, if I'm still that person or just a nobody. I wish I could let her know that I'll treat her the best I could, love her the best I can, give her everything she wants and desires and that she wouldn't need no other guy to hurt her or cause her anguish in pain, cuz I'm the one who'll never do anything to hurt her or make her be sad. But I guess I'll just keep it here and inside of me.... I guess I just needed to vent and say what's been on my mind and heart for the first week of 07 and the whole 06. I just needed to get it out and I couldnt find anyone out there who I can just straight up talk to and confide this in. I don't care if this makes me look weak or pathetic but it just shows that I'm more human than those people who just keep it bottled up inside of them without someone to hear them out. I don't care that 2301392 many people will see this but at least they can see how I'm feeling, how I'm doing, what my thoughts are.. I thought 2007 would be one of the best years of my life since I'm turning 18 but I guess the start always has to be the toughest....peace yall R.I.P
Anecita Santiago
Grandma, Nanay, Yankees Fan # 1
1925-2006
Screaming Infedelities, And It's Taking It's Wear..... |
